12 Nov 2013

Good Time that Fades

i wonder.
what did i do wrong?
adakah apa yang terjadi berpunca daripada aku?
kenapa dia seolah olah mencipta jurang sebagai menghukum aku?
apa salah aku, aku mahu tahu.

i've tried so hard, not to hurt you.
even at the first place. 
i tried my best not to let you know the reality.
i kept all conflicts within me. only me.
i've even made him promise not to tell you,
because i know it will hurt you.
even if it is not true.

it wasn't me who exposed the story, he did. 
it wasn't me who felt the feeling, he did.
and i'm sure it was just a very huge misinterpretation of feeling, that he would surely agreed,
should we care? the most important is he is yours.

it wasn't me. and why am i being treated awkwardly since then? 

i rarely received response from you.
my messages were usually left without response.
you rarely conversed with me.
even when we were together, there were an unseen barrier,
which i can feel. 
lumpuh kemahiran berkomunikasi.
there's no space for me to know you deeper. 
we are not close, anymore.

this feeling, i couldn't explain. 
small small things.
but it hurts. 
hurts, when you pretended i am just somebody that you used to know.
and it caused me to feel guilty. since the night you cried - when he told you everything.
there's silence awkward since then.

krik krik moment. a very krik krik moment.

honestly, you are not just somebody who i used to know.
i do care. we're friends, remember?
there's always an urge in me that keeps forcing me to think of something,
something that would make you happy.
something - like planning an outing - you with him.
so that i could see you smile,
and have you talking with me in the car.
something - like taking your photograph, 
even when you tried to escape. 
because i know you are shy.

it disappointed me a lot when i got nothing out of it.
when you don't even see me.
when you said "nobody want to be my friends", "nobody understand me", "dah lama tak lepak"
then who is me? who is us?
we are always here. 

sometimes, i feel like you didn't want people to approach you.
have we not tried?
haven't we?

i really wish this wasn't me.
andai kau rasa aku punca segalanya, 
maaf, aku tak sengaja.
mungkin bukan perihal 'dia' yang kau pendamkan,
mungkin kekasaran bahasaku yang kau simpan,
apa sahaja, aku mohon maaf.

tak aman jiwa selagi tak luah.
kini, terpulang.
aku luahkan isi hatiku sudah, 
agar hilang satu beban yang tersimpan,
terbongkar permasalahan yang bersemadi di benak.

*as long as you happy.

bismillah. pikir sejuta kali dah sebelum publish post. 

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